Friday, February 15, 2013

My State of the Farm Address

Oh, I suppose you missed it the other night: my annual State of the Farm Address to all those residing on my part of the hill.

Holy Crow Farm's inhabitants include humans (2), equines (3), felines (3) caprines (2, & a gold star if you know this, our Daily Double Vocab Word!) 5 chickens (since I don't know the-ine word for that) including Fabio the rooster, all the Happy Little Critters of the Forest out back,the fish in the pond, the crows & ravens I worship, and the mice who sneak into the kitchen.

Yes, I seem to recall some other speech was broadcast Tuesday night, so here are my highlights. I try to be a beneficent dictator. See what you think.

Employment: At an all-time high, as I've held my current job almost a solid year. I'm closing in on my personal best for work that doesn't require a manure fork or protective headgear. Kudos to me! 

Balancing the budget: The 2012 Holy Crow budget is, as in other years, somewhat amorphous and free form. There are zeroes where there should be numbers, and numbers without enough zeroes. But flexibility is a positive quality! My motto: We're Still Here, Aren't We?

Deficit Spending: Ah. Yes...the slight unpleasantness regarding that pesky credit card.  Nothing to see here. Move along.

Health & Welfare: Excellent! My knee replacement attained painlessness in less than six months. I've just this week had a new lanyard put on my above-knee prosthetic leg as well as gotten some new gel liners. I've started swimming two to three times a week in a neighboring town's school pool. My daughter is over the flu, and got two baskets yesterday at her team's game. And I really will ask the vet about the orange cat's skin condition.

The Elderly: Rindle has moved into the ranks of seniors. She's lost some weight. But she's still chewing her hay well enough. (Important whether you're equine or human. Think about it.) And by the way, AARP: quit sending me those membership cards. For crying out loud.

Immigration: A sticking point and potential political powder keg. I cannot promise amnesty to the mice in my kitchen. (Even my sister, an educated professional woman, had a vulgar term for them when she house-sat for me, which I would blush to repeat.) I'm still hoping they will self-deport, at least by spring. And there is no way in hell the big brown spiders are welcome. As for borders,they must be secure. The horses must not defect down the road. The goats are not welcome in the flowerbeds. Fences are the only solution.

Outlook: Things have never looked better for Holy Crow Farm! Writing is prolific, birds are singing, and soon we'll, or at least I'll, be drinking coffee on the deck. Maybe a margarita or two. Life is good.

The address was well-received and there were numerous standing ovations. Well, one. Sort of, when the cats got up...and left. You'd think they might chase the mice, but no. I have to do everything. So I clapped for myself.

I just looked up chicken: galline. Write that one down. It'll be on the final.


  1. Beautiful and oh, so funny! I laughed through all of it, especially "manure fork and protective headgear," and the AARP reference, as they are sending me membership cards, too, and I am not yet 50! Hooray, wonderful speech. Thank you.